Transition :: Change, it's what's for Dinner

IT'S BEEN 8 WEEKS! –I transitioned to part-time about 8 weeks ago and it's been very good, HARD, yet very good. Any change in life is hard and full of uncertainties and I'm still navigating these uncertainties. But the even little-bit-more space in my head to create and think about doing something other than exercise, work, food, wash, homework, bed-time AND repeat has been very healthy. God has shown me weaknesses I've known that I have had but haven't had to exactly face yet and now He has me ready to face them. He has me ready to move forward and to trust and to BELIEVE that He is good and HE IS ABLE.  –It's no secret that I struggle with depression and this past year's burn-out moved me deceptively into a functional-yet-paralyzing depression; whereby, it was hard to concentrate, focus on one thing at a time, my thoughts raced, my anxiety over the littlest things was hightened and my overall sense of well-being was depleted. I LOVE what I get to do at the hospital (Perinatal ICU & Neonatal ICU Social Worker) and the sacred moments I encounter daily; however, I was no longer able to give of myself to my loved ones outside of work. I still believe that this work is what I am called to do BUT I know there is so much MORE He has in store for me. I know that painting is suppose to blossom into helping others and guiding them through hard times. I know that running and fitness in my life is to take on a life of its own to help others to move forward. I know that this life is NOT my own. –I am learning that what I am learning right now is preparing me for next steps and I need to share this. MY MESS IS MY MESSAGE. I struggle like everyone else does; yet I want to strive and overcome and trust and persevere. Darkness has a purpose in my life and His light is suppose to come out of it and not for my glory but for God's. I wish so many of my friends could understand this but they continue to chase meaningless things. I don't want to chase meaningless things. A LITTLE OF WHAT’S HAPPENING...

–So many springtime colors around here!! Birds hatching and their mothers feeding them in their nests, in our yard! –Enjoying the sunshine - I don't ever want to take that for granted.  –Beginning the process of dreaming about Redecorating and repurposing and re-falling-in-love with my home... –The boys are growing, growing, growing. My patience has increased with not being so rushed all the time. And I'm slower to anger (check with me tomorrow to see if this still stands *wink*). –Being able to do more things so that Mark doesn't have to carry almost the entire load like he was before. Watching him begin to pursue some new things for himself –Pursuing self-development again and recalibrating goals –ABOUT TO JUMP OFF THE ADOPTION CLIFF!!!! Ah our electronic Profile is ready, we have Profile books sent to the Adoption Agency to submit to birthmothers when we choose AND this is crazy talk people!!

Transitioning & Motherhood

Motherhood and being Blind
I often wonder the reason behind the seasons that occur in each of our lives. And I don't mean weather seasons but rather the life-challenging seasons. The ebb and flow of the valleys and the mountains and the in-between. Each transitionary time takes on a lot of unknowns and challenges. The change of pace is something that can rarely be grasped and anticipated. Most of the time it feels like as my friend Amy stated, "I'm along for the ride." Being present during transition while I 'wait' is probably the hardest piece of wisdom I'm holding onto at this point.
It's unusual for me to think in terms of motherhood because I have most always thought in terms of self...self-examination, self-awareness and self-actualization. All those fancy words mean to say: I have thought a lot in my life about myself and about my dreams. Even while following God and pursuing an intimate relationship with Jesus, I have often hoped that my dreams were part of His will. It's a confusing process in seeking Him because the more I ask and the more I dream, the more I feel less certain that my dreams are the best. I start to see His dreams and His work in me looking different. His work through me blesses others and not just myself.
This week is meant to help me in the upcoming transition, it's meant not to sugar-coat things but to give me some reality into more time with my kids and the Truth that I know and believe: more time with my kids WILL be HARD. And that's ok. I'm not ignorant to the fact that being around them more may bring out those things that I do not like more. It will likely mean discipling more, holding my temper more, praying more and hopefully can mean at some point, hugging more, loving more and playing more. I'm not even sure what this is going to look like as of yet and frankly I'm not holding my breath thinking it will look any one way because the reality is that even when promised one thing-life throws curve balls!!
The picture below really spoke to me:

God placed the desire in my heart to go part-time beginning in August-September-October of 2015 and I prayed about it. lamented over it and wrestled with him over it. I knew I needed to in November but didn't verbalize it until December. By that time I'd already been searching to see if I was suppose to be somewhere else and had some good interactions with other prospects but the conversations came back around to working with the moms and postpartum women. I couldn't shake it so I decided to stay and see what was going to happen. Each step of obedience came with some clarity and then uncertainty again. And this has been the cycle this entire winter-spring: some clarity then uncertainty.
I've moved to the point of simply knowing it (the transition) may not be what I want...but it's what I need. It's what my family needs and ultimately...God will help to change my 'want to'.
So when I think of the women I work with and realize how I see motherhood, I realize even moreso that a mother is truly born when a baby is born and also has to grow and develop like any baby.My motherhood has went through so many seasons now with my 7 year old son and my 3 year old son. I have worked part-time jobs, struggled with being home not with my 7 year old and then with him for a little bit. But my 3 year old I have only been with during his 8 weeks when he was first born and a week here or there. It's unsettling not to have fully spent time with your children in a way that helps you to really know them. Our culture strips away that time with busyness and distractions. I've come to a point where I'm fed up with going too fast and being distracted.
I respect and admire women in leadership positions who seem to "do-it-all" however, I know the price of doing that and that includes involvement in their children's lives. My striving and determination to accomplish my goals is a good thing but even a good thing might not be a great thing. I want to do great things and in God's kingdom, it's all upside down. Great things may not happen through success in the world's eyes nor through completing the goals. Great things may happen in the little things that get passed on to my children like: kindness, patience, trust, hope and discernment.
Wow, I am so blind to God's work in me!! Seriously I am so blind to wanting this world's success and meaning. I want to be recognized for my hard work and it blinds me to recognizing God's work around me. I want to feel respected and appreciated in the hospital environment but it blinds me to fully appreciating how blessed I am to be where I am. I am blinded and I don't want to be.
Part-time is coming...and I have NO CLUE how it will really look but for now I'm enjoying each day with my boys with the fights, whines, playing together, throwing toys, time-outs, picky eating, excited smiles and eyes and lousy eye-rolling and frowns.
I don't want to be blind...not anymore.

Why I love my life right now....

I figured I would share this here too because I keep thinking I will write meaningful posts for other working women but what I have learned is you pick and choose a few things to focus on and this has not been one of them in this season of life. I'd like to tell more women that they are not alone in their struggle to balance, family, life, personal desires, love and professional endeavors. It's not equal, if you excel in one area it is inevitable that another area will drift a little until you pick it up again but even in the struggle and the frustration, hope is there for another new beginning each day.

So................................

I love my life right now...not because there are answers to my questions because for many of them I have to wait.

I love it because it is an adventure whereby I have to practice continual trust that my life is not my own and that God is good. He is truly good for whatever happens. God is conspiring to bless me, I'm sure of it. It scares me to say it though sometimes because I see and experience people's worst fears first hand. But they have also taught me that life goes on and that joy has to be refound in the simple things that cannot be replaced.

I could lament about many things but honestly that won't help. I could wish away things that could be different but that would take away time.

I love it because I know I'm blessed with health, with friendship, with love and with the blessing of living a sunny day. I have a house that I hope to make more into a home with time. I have eyes that see colors and a nose that smells many scents. My mouth can taste what the world has to offer in food and I can listen to the wind and to voices as they speak pain and elation.

I don't know what tomorrow brings. I can plan and analyze but ultimately it's not up to me. I can train and push myself but if I turn a good thing into an idol then it's meaningless. I can worry about full-time, part-time or no work and in the end what counts is that the work is meaningful and that God can use me wherever He desires. I choose to inhabit my days and think differently than most. I won't settle and that word drives me crazy. I will push the lines because who knows where it will go? If I play safe all the time then I will miss out on opportunities and on blessings.

Feeling is part of living; although I can't be bound by feelings. We either live bravely or we give into the notion that "this is all there is". Live in piece that you are exactly where you need to be and if you don't like it then change your view. Sit at an angle or even go upside down (though not when driving) but change something. Take a risk.